我一直以來都認為某些事情「太女生」而完全不會想去做，例如接睫毛、做指甲、穿高跟鞋、穿有蕾絲的衣服之類的。我也下意識去找一些跟我差不多的女生朋友，所以當我們聚在一起的時候不是討論時尚或感情，而多半是在討論推廣素食。
從小我就壓抑自己感性、愛照顧人、有同理心的一面，而偏向注重自己領導、批判、犀利的特質。我討厭開口求人幫忙，因為這樣讓我感到脆弱；我討厭承認自己犯錯，因為這就好像世界末日；我討厭表達難過，所以通常假裝自己壓根不在意。
幾千年來，我們已經創造了一個一昧尊崇男子氣概而打壓女性特質的文明。打壓之成功，以至於連女性都內化了這樣的壓迫，採用了壓迫者的那種控制心態和模式。在父權社會下，一個女人通常是用父權社會的遊戲規則勝出了男人後，才被認為是成功的。相反，一個男人要是不夠有所謂的男子氣概，就會被歧視、嘲笑。這一切創傷都太深了，需要我們逆轉長久以來多少學習到的東西，才能夠取得平衡。
我自己也是一年多前才開始意識到，原來女性是有可能接納並擁抱我們富有女性特質的一面的。而我有時候也還是感到很抗拒。所以我寫這篇不是因為我已經做得很成功想分享，而是想邀請所有跟我一樣對自己女性特質感到不自在的女孩，一起踏上這趟旅程。我們是多面向的個體，擁抱自己的所有面向，不但是更健康的，在我看來，也會讓我們的行動更真誠、更有愛，也更能為自己和他人帶來療癒。婦女節快樂。❤️
(照片是去年十月參加一個專屬女孩們的Wanderlette retreat)
***
I’ve always felt uncomfortable with things that I deem too “girly.” Things like getting eyelash extensions, getting your nails done, wearing high heels, wearing lace, etc. I also subconsciously choose women friends who are more like me. So when we get together, we talk more about activism than fashion or dating.
Growing up, I suppressed the side of me that was emotional, nurturing, and empathic, and only valued my dominating, critical, and sharp characteristics. I hated asking for help because it put me in a vulnerable position. I hated admitting I was wrong because it felt like annihilation. I hated showing my sadness so I usually pretended I didn’t care.
Over thousands of years, we have created a distorted civilization that overwhelmingly values masculinity over femininity, to the point that even the feminine internalized the oppression and adopted the paradigm of control of the oppressors. A woman is more likely to be considered “successful” if she outperforms men by the rules of a patriarchal society. A man is looked down upon if he’s not “manly” enough. There’s so much wounding. So much unlearning is needed to restore balance.
I’ve only begun to be aware of the possibility of embracing my femininity since a bit more than a year ago. And from time to time I still feel resistant. So I’m really not writing this as someone who has “figured things out,” but as an invitation to other women like me who may also feel uncomfortable with their femininity. It’s beautiful and healthy to embrace all that we are, and I believe when we do, we can bring more open-heartedness, love and healing into our actions. Happy International Women’s Day. ❤️
(photo taken during a Wanderlette sisterhood retreat in Oct 2020 with a group of amazing women)
#婦女節 #womensday2021
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